For the love of Clara

I see you now; older, weaker, confused, afraid, childlike. My heart breaks a little. Time has gone by so quickly. My eyes do not recognize the face looking back at me. Father time, you make me sick. I try to think of how you feel. How scared you must be. Not knowing what is really going on. Not remembering where you are, or who we are. When I think of how much you've changed, I cry a little. I still remember when you moved to WA to take care of us. I remember our daily walks around the neighborhood. You with your huge walking stick, us with ours. I remember our early morning prayers and evening scripture readings. I remember our F.H.E. when you would scold me for wanting to be a police officer when I grew up, because girls are not supposed to be cops. :) After I cried, I'd change my statement to, "I want to go on my mission when I grow up." We both know how that turned out. lol. I remember how you would make us take our monthly dose of castor oil. YUCK! Or how you throw all the leftovers into a pot and call is "sua" whatever. lol. That is where my love of leftovers or "scraps" comes from. lol. I remember hearing you sing while you played your guitar. I also remember how you would make us all line up and sing "I'll Find you my Friend" over and over and over...bleh. :) My life is full of memories of you. My life is better because of you.

8/14/09

I was in court on Thursday. Waiting for my turn to testify, I began playing solitaire with the deck of cards left in the waiting room. I was taken back to when I was younger, watching you play solitaire on the floor or on the table. I always think of you. Whenever I see a temple, I think of you. How you always told me whenever you go to the Lord's house every pain or discomfort you had in your body ALWAYS went away. Whenever you were feeling weary you always said you have to go to the temple, because that is how you will get better. You are my example of faith. I got married this year. You were right. When I'm in the temple EVERYTHING is better. I am stronger when I leave then when I went in. Age has slowly taken your memory. At times you don't recognize me, but when I tell you who I am, your face lights up as if you've been waiting and waiting for me. My heart melts a little. When I tell you again I got married in the temple, you light up with pride and instantly tell me to give you a kiss. My hearts melts a little more. When I think of how you hurt. When I see A.J. cry for you. And as I sit and type this. My heart breaks.

Tonight I cried for you. I sobbed for you. I couldn't stop. I pleaded for help from the Lord. I called AJ asking for you. She started to worry because I was crying so hard. She assured me you were okay. That you were asleep. I finally stop crying. I feel better, but now my eyes hurt.