Toga's Ramblings

I'm a Samoan girl named Toga. Thanks for that, Dad.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

another year...

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 36. 3.6. what.the.heck. I look at myself in the mirror and cannot believe I am almost 40! Where did the time go?! Time has gone by way too fast. I sit back and look at my life and I'm happy. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm happy nonetheless. I feel behind in life.; I have yet to complete my college education. I want more children. I still live with my family. All the things I thought I'd have completed by now are still on my "TO DO" list. I still plan on completing these things, but when I think of how old I am, I get a little discouraged because I'm "old" 
But when I'm not all in my feelings and I sit back and count my blessings, I realize my life is pretty darn awesome; I live in Hawaii, I live with my family who have been so generous to us, I have a beautiful son who is healthy and strong and so very smart, and I have a husband who honors his priesthood, loves and takes care of our family, and so much more...
I am really excited for our life and what my Father in Heaven has in store for us.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

yes, i only have one child...

Last year a sister in the nursery was telling a story about her grandchildren fighting constantly and keeping her on her toes. After she found out I "only have one kid" she told me "Oh, that doesn't count, cause you only get one. You don't know what it's really like" She tried to laugh it off. I, however, did not. I just got up and left. What I really wanted to do was throw the toy boat I had in my hand at her face.
This isn't the first time women have said things to me regarding having "only one child". I've been told things like, "I wish you would have another baby" or "When are you going to have another one?" or "You only have one?" or my fave, "How many kids do you have? Just one? really? Don't you want someone for your son to play with?"
No, I am purposefully hiding my other children in my back pocket because I want Simione to play by himself.
I hate feeling like I'm not a "real" mom because I "only have one" child.  I hate feeling like I have to apologize to these women for not having more children. I feel almost ashamed that I only have one child. ONE perfectly imperfect, full of love, light, and life son. A son who has brought so much joy into my life, who has taught me what love and forgiveness really is. And because I "only have one" I am somehow "don't count" as a mom.
 I should've thrown the toy at that lady and every other lady who says these stupid things to me.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

I love you Steve

Simione and I came back from a last minute trip to the mainland. Aj called me to tell me my Uncle Steve has passed away. I didn't instantly cry or yell out in disbelief like I did with Fiona. Truth is, I listened to what Aj had to say, asked a few questions and hung up the phone. Was I in a state of shock? I don't know. I told Alma what had happened. We get up, say our morning prayers and start our day. I do my usual routine and we talk about Steve. The tears start. The more we talked about Steve, the more my tears flow. Alma tried his best to comfort me. He reminds me of the Plan of Salvation. He reminds me that Steve is now free from pain and his body is made whole again. He is no longer a prisoner to his bed and to his earthly body; I cry harder. The realization that he is no longer tied to his bed and is in fact, running free and happy made me cry more. 
When I think of Steve lots of things come to my mind; "Geees Unco", His giant spoon and his giant bowl, Metal Tonka trucks, Stealing his hat and making him chase us around the house, his dancing, his love of watches/hats/sunglasses/pen/paper/money, Rita and I making him sniff Pepper to see if he would sneeze...he did not. lol 
While my heart aches for my dear Aunty Pela and cousin Rita, my memories of Steve and how he brought happiness to my life will always live on. 
I cannot bring myself to share my feelings about my Aunty and Rita, well, because I don't have the emotional energy to do it. I love them with all my heart and though I mourn for the loss of my family, my heart cannot fully comprehend the pain they are going through. I look at my own sisters and I cannot imagine losing any of them. Maybe in another blog I'll be able to do it, but for now, God Be With You Til We Meet Again my dear, sweet, loving Uncle Steve.